Tall Tales of an Unlikely Hero
by EEevee
Summary: Sequel to Drifter [AU; western] What happens when our favorite slacker and his pyro buddy get chased out of town and start kicking around the wild west? Chaos. R for sexual situations, suggestions, and lang.
1. Default Chapter

Title: Tall Tales of an Unlikely Hero  
Author: Eeevee  
Genre: Humor  
Rating: Hard R for sexual implications and language and alcohol (damn that Hiko)  
Summary: None, just read the story. I have work this morning at seven and need to go to bed.  
  
Prologue  
  
Sano stared at the ring of eager faces surrounding him and cringed. Why, oh why, was he babysitter today? He didn't even like kids. Well, okay, sometimes they were fun to play with and all, but then again they were whiny and demanding. You'd think that someone else would be free to watch the little snots, but no. It was all up to 'Uncle' Sano.  
  
He eased his collar missing his old, white shirt. The new one was a bit stiff and the cotton, while ideal for the hot, dry climate, was slightly itchy. Heh, he would almost be able to claim that he had changed from worm to flying bug. Butterflies were too… well, not him. Maybe he'd be a killer moth or something. Or a hornet even. Wicked aptly described those buggers.  
  
"Tell us a story!" The oldest boy demanded.  
  
"Yeah, please tell us a story. A good one with a handsome hero and a beautiful girl!" The only girl piped up with a starry look in her eyes. Disgusting. Was it an inborn trait for females to be so enamored with romance, or did they just pass it down the younger generation?  
  
"I don't know any good stories. Why don't you just beat me with sticks again? That was a good massage." Sano replied lazily, chewing on a fishbone that had seen better days.  
  
"It's too hot. Besides, you don't make a very good piñata." A middle child pouted and crossed his arms contemptuously. "Nothing comes out."  
  
Sano had to chuckle at that. Stuff would come out all right, but it would take more than a small mob of rats to get some results.  
  
A bead of sweat rolled down his tan skin and he had to agree with the first statement. It was too hot. That's why he should be taking a siesta rather than entertaining kids. Couldn't they play with each other or something? What was the point in having siblings if you didn't beat the crap out of them? Katsu had always been like a brother to him, and the two had some really rough and rowdy times.  
  
"Do you think I can trust you guys not to tell your parents?" Sano said with a sudden devilish grin. He was going to catch hell for this, he knew it, but it was just too good to pass up.  
  
Now, if these had not been their parents' children they wouldn't look so freakin' evil at the mention of forbidden Uncle Sano tales. But as it was you couldn't fight genetics.  
  
"Okay, what do you take us for? We can keep our mouths shut! We didn't tell about that cow tipping fieldtrip, did we?"  
  
Oh yes, that was fun. Too bad they found out anyway. Maybe they shouldn't have tipped the pure white calf into the muddy creek. But you know, if a certain someone hadn't chickened out they could have gone for something bigger.  
  
Sano leaned down conspiratorially and gave a cocky grin, "I don't know. It doesn't seem like it's worth the risk to me. You guys get a swat, but I'll get whaled."  
  
"Since when does that bother you rooster head?" The girl remarked with her hands on her hips and her lip jutting out in mock severity. "'Side, where could we actually get some beer? We're just little kids."  
  
Sano leaned back in satisfaction. It would take more than beer to put his butt on the line like this. The last time… a shudder went through him. That was something best forgotten. He thought his hands would never return to normal. Besides, weren't they supposed to be conserving water? Clean clothes weren't a necessity!  
  
"Well, I think I'll just take a nap then." The brown haired man said with a big yawn and closed his light brown eyes slowly.  
  
In the silence that followed he almost did go to sleep. Well, until something utterly cold was pressed to the side of his face. With a jerk his eyes snapped open. He barely managed not to tip over backwards when his legs braced instinctively.  
  
"That was one of the more effective attempts on my life." He grumbled steadying his breathing and pulse.  
  
The youngest, about five or so, peered up with wide eyes, "Really Uncle Sano?"  
  
Sano gratefully took the brandy and swigged a bit. Wiping his lips with the back of his hand he set it down on the wooden planks and nodded.  
  
"Oh yes. Many people have tried to kill me." Sano remarked. His hand twanged in remembrance and he quickly wrapped it around the wooden arm to steady it. He had paid the price to live too.  
  
"We got you some alcohol and Scrub will be back with lunch in a second. Satisfied?" The oldest bargained. All of the children had nicknames. It was some kind of little cult thing. Luckily when they were handing them out Sano already had one. Rooster head, or rooster for short.  
  
"Nuh-uh. That's not going to cut it and you know it. You want a good, long story right?" Sano questioned with a smug look. He could get a free meal anytime. Booze, well, that was a bit harder. He was no longer a heavy drinker and it was rare for him to actually get drunk.  
  
He gave an internal, rueful grin at that. Time changes even the most stubborn of bastards.  
  
"Fine, fine. We'll do all your chores for the next two days, but I'm not dealing with the crazy again. He tried to eat me last time." The boy replied sharply and shook his shaggy dark head.  
  
"I'm sure you taste just fine." Sano replied ruffling the kid's hair. He could deal with crazies. He had spent his life dealing with crazies of one kind or another. Shoot, his best friend back in Insanity was as loony as they came. Imagine, having an alter ego. He'd rather mess with the old man than shovel horseshit from the barn.  
  
"Gah, get off me you big oaf. So do we have a deal?"  
  
A/N: dusts off proudly The insanity continues! Umm-hmm, and if the format throws you in future chapters, I'm sorry. Trying something different (or I was when I started writing this). This is about, you guessed it, Sano. Well, and Katsu, but he's on strike. Says something about me being too mean to him for absolutely not reason. I pointed out torture and spine-breaking was a one-time thing... 


	2. Chapter One

Chapter One  
  
"Sure thing. Your stories might last longer if you skipped this little bartering bit. I always want the same thing. I'm a man of few needs and wants."  
  
"Whatever. We want a new one."  
  
Sano gave a slight smile. Well, he had plenty to tell after all.  
  
"Well you see it was like this. I was back in the town of my teenage years Insanity. Now, you're going what a name. It was a very appropriate name for the place. Absolutely nuts. Everyone in there. If you don't believe me take a look at some of your parents. Anyway, back then there was this badass guy named Saitoh. And he was the sheriff. Now, my buddy Katsu and I were just moping around the bar, putting a few back.  
  
Well, Katsu asked if I was playing poker. Male bonding sort of thing you see. Of course, these guys we played with were big, ugly, and bad tempered, but that just made it more fun! I never had a head for cards anyway considering that they took concentration. Dice are my game.  
  
I told him I was flat out broke.  
  
'Sano,' He says, 'When are you going to get a real job?'  
  
Well, before I could tell him that I really did have a job these two people decided to get a bit touchy-feely next to me."  
  
"What's that?" The girl asked blinking.  
  
Sano scratched his head. He thought he had been watering it down, but maybe not enough. They were kids after all.  
  
"He means they were all over each other dumbo!" The girl's brother sneered and she let out a small 'oh'. Sano for his part was shocked. Damn it, if they could understand shit like that then he might as well tell it that way!  
  
"Don't ask questions. It's really annoying, and I'll lose my place." Sano chided. "Anyway, they were all over each other. Which is cool right? When you're older. Much older. I'm not going to be the one to encourage things like that.  
  
Well, you see, the thing about this is that it's really not polite to suck face and put your hands all over your girlfriend, or boyfriend, in a public place."  
  
"But you do-"  
  
"Hey, I can do that okay?"  
  
"Why-"  
  
"Just shut up for a second and let me go on!" Sano yelled with a thump to emphasize his point.  
  
"Geez, just let me tell my story okay? Like I said, for stuff like that your really need to get a room. The thing about this couple was they're, er, special. You see, um, the two of them were, ah, nighttime companions. That's how they made their living."  
  
"Oh, they were whores." The oldest boy said uninterested.  
  
"Hey kid, watch your mouth!" Sano growled, "You do what you've got to do to eat okay? Don't get so high-and-mighty about crap you don't know. You've been fed, loved, and sheltered all your frickin' life!"  
  
"He didn't mean it." One of the other kids put in jabbing the so-said boy in the gut. "We actually want to get somewhere. We'll be good."  
  
"Yeah," Sano said with a poisoned glare, "I'm sure he didn't. Anyway, like I said they're special. 'Cuz, you know one of them was a guy. And liked to dress up like a girl."  
  
"He played dress up?"  
  
"Played? Uh, something like that. So they were getting a bit too friendly with each other. I'm an easy-going fellow, but as a kid I wasn't too tolerant.  
  
'Hey, get a room boozos.' I grumbled and Katsu grinned.  
  
'Hey Kamatari, someone wants your services for the night. Heck, I'll even pay!' My traitorous friend offered. Well, that broke 'em up and all I guess. Unfortunately it also got their attention. Katsu was mean like that sometimes. I mean, I'd rather have some booze.  
  
'Thanks for the offer buddy, but you should give yourself a little pleasure.' I replied pushing him at the guy Kamatari. Now you see, Katsu has some bad history with the guy so he jumped like a cat in the bath. Or, maybe, like a teddy bear in the hands of a particularly abusive child.  
  
Well, slap Jerk on my forehead and call me Vindictive, but he had it coming! 'Cuz Kamatari took that as an open invitation. Not my fault if he got the wrong idea because of something I said."  
  
"I guess I've got to do some flashback crap for you guys to understand it properly. So gather you little imaginations and let's play some pretend!"  
  
"Katsu whirled on Kamatari asking in a deadly voice, 'What are they talking about?'  
  
'You grabbed me hon.,' Kamatari explained slowly. 'Kenny-boy knocked me a good one and when I came to, I tried to get across you. Apparently you missed your teddy bear because you snatched me right up. Well, why not? I'm so cuddly and huggable. I did try to extract myself, but alas, I was stuck tight. My, you have a nice body.'  
  
Within seconds the black hair man whipped out a small, smoking bomb in each hand. He expertly flicked his wrists sending them one after another at the startled he-she.  
  
They sail past toward Saitoh, his wife, and Yahiko. Saitoh moved with deadly grace sending the bombs back towards their source."  
  
Sano blinked moodily seeming to come out of a trance, "Shit, I thought I was dead meat that time. Not from the bombs either. Saitoh decided to vent his spleen on me."  
  
"Keep going." The kid prodded, he wasn't sure which one.  
  
"Well, Katsu then started using me as a shield against Kamatari after that. An uncooperative shield at that.  
  
'We could do a threesome?' Kamatari suggested with a wink. Both Katsu and I must have looked ready to faint, but you know, real men don't faint. So instead we looked pleading at Yumi.  
  
Yumi sighed and rolled her eyes. Well, that wasn't the pretty part of her, but I wasn't looking you hear?  
  
'C'mon you freak, they don't want your attention. You should try to earn some money you know.' Yumi said looking pointedly at a group of miners that had just stomped in. Now did I mention these men were big, hairy, and ugly?  
  
'So if you're not going to play cards what are you going to do?' My best bud asked now that the crisis had been averted. We were like that. Forgive and forget.  
  
I sunk down eyeing my empty mug. 'Dunno. Maybe go harass Kenshin and Missy. Then again, they have that Hell Spawn now. Misao was just telling me the other day that it's got quite a mouth.'  
  
'I don't know what they were expecting.' Katsu remarked amiably. 'That's why I don't want any kids.'  
  
'Well, no one wants you to have any. The world is fucked up enough as it is buddy. And besides, you wouldn't want to write in your own paper the headline 'Two Year Old Missing: Considered Blown Up'.'  
  
'So where's Misao?'  
  
I twitched. This had to potential to be really embarrassing, but this was my best bud right? I could tell him anything. So I whispered, 'She left town a week ago. Chasing after that psuedo-pric- I mean, priest. I bet he sucks in the romance department anyway.'  
  
'You mean in bed?' Kamatari purred scaring the tar out of both of us. I turned bright red and considered the cross-dresser on my hit list. 'I don't know. He and Megumi got pretty steamy up in that room.'  
  
'Pervert!'  
  
'Hon, my room is right next door. You think I'm deaf?'  
  
'Sick, thanks for that tasty morsel.' I mumbled. Damn foxy lady hooking up with a priest-who-was-not-a-priest. The same guy who stole my current girlfriend. What'd he have that I didn't? The guy was colder than frozen salami.  
  
'Oh, I don't know. If he swung the right way I'd be glad to offer myself up.' Kamatari grinned lustily. Okay, mental bleach. I needed to remind myself to learn some sort of defense against my own mind. That was just too much to consider.  
  
'Just go away. Don't you have other people to harass?' Katsu half-pleaded, 'I'll buy you a beer if you'll leave us alone for the rest of the night.'  
  
A sly grin crossed those delicate features, 'Oh, I see how it is. Sorry to intrude! And a beer would be wonderful darling.'  
  
'Bitch.' Katsu muttered resentfully as Kamatari flitted off to do whatever. I nodded in agreement. 'I think he needs a bit of payback. You up for a bit of fun?'  
  
'What about Saitoh? He'd love to can our asses.' I said in despair. For no reason at all the man hated my guts. Okay, it could have something to do with that stunt last year… no, I'm not going to tell you all. I wouldn't want someone to get hurt trying to duplicate it.  
  
'Doesn't matter. I took the bars off the window last night.' Katsu replied quietly while shifting into what I had come to recognize 'anti-authority' mode. 'Besides, who's to say we started the bar fight? We're not the only rowdies in town. And there's no one to squeal.'  
  
'Give me a better reason than that.' I was not a rowdy. Okay, so I got in some fights every once in a while. Hey, so it was a lot. But I was living life to the fullest and all that crap! Give me a break."  
  
"Mommy says fighting doesn't solve things." The youngest piped up again earnestly.  
  
"Mommy wouldn't think that because she's female." Sano replied in annoyance. "Talking with your fists achieves great things. Just make sure someone else's fists don't land in your mouth."  
  
" 'Why wouldn't Saitoh know about that? The man's a stickler about his jail. Or at least since it was rebuild. Didn't you ever wonder why you're not allowed within twenty feet of any public building anymore?' I asked rolling my fists around lazily. A bar fight sounded like some good, wholesome fun to me.  
  
'Because he was a bit busy at the time.'  
  
'Oh.' I didn't want to know, I really didn't. Too bad my bud wasn't too keen in the area of reading minds.  
  
'Boy scouts.'  
  
I choked on the last bit of my beer.  
  
'What?'  
  
'He was on a camping trip with one of his kids.' Katsu clarified, 'Apparently the troop leader bailed at the last minute and he had to take over.'  
  
Now, you see, I don't have the world's greatest imagination, but the thought of that jerk with a troop of poor little kids was enough to make me choke again. With laughter this time. Saitoh would have never known what hit him!  
  
'And he survived?'  
  
'Apparently they tried to tie him up and leave him out for the mountain lions, but I get the feeling they're rather sorry about it now.'  
  
I could only consider the fact that they were minors. Surely he'd have pity- wait, no. Not pity. That word isn't in the guy's vocabulary. Consideration? Yeah, consideration for the mob of angry parents trying to burn down his ranch if a little hellion got hurt.  
  
'What's the plan?' Katsu asked. I gave him a wink and promptly walked up to the biggest guy out there. Now, Mike fits the description of brainless brute who is actually a caveman in disguise. He outweighed me by at least fifty pounds of sheer muscle and let's just say that my head was comparable to his bicep. Perfect.  
  
'Hey Mike, you owe me!' I bellowed stomped over. He eyed me dully and shook his head.  
  
'I ain't owin' ya nuffin'.'  
  
'Say that to my fist if you're man enough!' Apparently cute challenges aren't the best way to go when talking to a rock. I cracked a knuckle and belted him in the face with my right."

A/N: Hopefully the format's not too confusing.  
  
**Fyyrrose:** Yes, I can't believe I did too. I'm hoping school will give me a kick, so I can keep going. I decided not to do the Curses! thing - Too much "work". Manipulated ::looks innocent:: Such a strong word! Did I ever even tell you who Sano ended up with? Mild ::laughing and scaring the dogs:: This is so base Let the acid begin!  
  
**Wistful-Eyes:** Yes, such neglectful parents OO;; Oh wait, lol, Strays. Yes, corruption is fun (for the kids). It's like grandparents who load them up with sugar then ship them home!  
  
**FarStrider:** Hey, hey, in all fairness... What am I talking about? The boys aren't remotely safe :) I'll play "nice". And I originally wasn't planning on the spine-breaking for him. I was going to kill Misao off, then changed my mind.


	3. Chapter Two

Chapter Two  
  
"That wasn't very nice." The girl commented.  
  
"Yeah, but Uncle Sano was owed some money and he always collects."  
  
"He really did owe you some money?" The oldest asked slyly. Genetics never lie. It was easy enough to tell whose offspring the boy really was.  
  
Sano scratched his head, "I don't remember now. But I must have had a good reason for pounding him."  
  
"So, quick as a rattler, Katsu took out the guy on my left. We were old pros at this. And so long as my bud kept his bombs to himself no one really complained.  
  
'Hey! I leave you boys alone for one minute and you're starting a fight?' Yumi shrieked. Not that she hasn't ever started one. She's started far more than I ever have!  
  
I took another swing and out of the corner of my eye notice Kamatari imitating my motions. I could vaguely hear the guys chanting something about a good left hook, now a right swing.  
  
'Hey, quit punching thin air like a girl and help me!' I challenged. The big sissy could really throw a decent punch when he felt like it, but I think he preferred bitch slapping.  
  
'Kamatari, don't you dare encourage it!' Yumi growled from the sidelines. She wasn't much for punching, but I can vouch for the slap. It's enough to knock your eyeballs around. Hey, don't look at me like that. So I got a little fresh once or twice. Blame the hormones!  
  
'But Mike was a wee bit too rough on the rump. Is it wrong to want a bit of payback?' Kamatari pouted.  
  
'Pinching your ass is hardly worth losing a few teeth!'  
  
'You're right. Go Mikey-darling!'  
  
I did a double take. Hey, what happened to being my cheerleader? No good double-crossing skunk!  
  
Meanwhile, Katsu was sliding around most of the fighting and making his way towards the bar till."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Umm, money box." Sano said. Oh boy. And this was the exact reason why he wasn't supposed to tell these stories. Sanosuke Sagara, look at the example you're giving our children! I ought to dunk you in a well until you're numbed through! That's what he'd be hearing at the end of the day.  
  
The girl gasped, "You were stealing!"  
  
"Was not. Just borrowing without permission and never planning to pay them back." Sano protested quickly holding his hands up in defense. "Besides, Katsu took it. Now shut up, don't learn morals from Uncle Sano's tales okay?"  
  
They all nodded dutifully, but Sano realized that maybe he should lock the store safe for a few weeks.  
  
" 'Watch out, Wolf alert!' Someone yelled and everyone in the bar turned to look at the menacing figure that filled the doorway.  
  
Katsu quite happily obliged the given opportunity and conked the bar tender on the head. He slipped the till out and grabbed two handfuls that he stuffed into a hidden pocket. With that he gave me the thumbs up. Which I ignored. Plans were for sticks in the muds. I was having way too much fun!  
  
'Sano you dumbass, we've got to get out of here. You know he has it out for you.' Katsu hissed tugging on the duds. Now if there was one thing I couldn't stand it was people pawing at the clothes.  
  
I turned to aim a punch at him, but hit the guy behind him, which started a whole new spat. Too easy.  
  
'Leaving so soon darlings?' Kamatari said with a malicious pout. Now, never trust someone who wears woman's clothing. Just because he was lacking the necessary parts didn't mean that he wasn't a devious as the rest of the female race.  
  
By that time I realized the emanate danger I was it. Self-preservation kicked into high gear.  
  
Saitoh had shoved his way through the fight easily enough. The man was a good wrecking crew all by himself. Even if he was getting a bit older. No, he'd never step down from his post willingly.  
  
I had to picture a knobby-kneed, toothless Saitoh with no hair and big ears. That was my downfall.  
  
Luckily a chair sailed overhead and beamed the poor bastard straight on. He went down like he was hit between the eyes with a sledgehammer. Not that it would last. Now was a good time to head for the hills. Or Kenshin's. Yeah, he'd protect me.  
  
I turned to thank whoever had tossed the chair and jerked back. Katsu was the only one behind me. But… he… that skinny thing?  
  
'Katsu!'  
  
'What?' He asked.  
  
Coming out of self-induced shock I blurted, 'Bloody awesome.'  
  
'What? Oh, that.' He remarked flippantly, 'Why thank you. I've been improving my aim.'  
  
'No shit! Have you been throwing cherry bombs at Hiko's again?'  
  
'Now's really not the time to discuss this Sano.' He said reproving.  
  
Saitoh started to recover himself with typical speed. Couldn't he just stay down? Then I wouldn't have to do what I did next. I kicked a downed man, and I enjoyed every moment of it!  
  
Katsu fell behind me as I peeled out of there like the devil was nipping at my heels. Shit, he was the devil. And he would be ready to hack me apart as soon as he could breath again.  
  
'Chicken?' Katsu panted. "Because if they cut off your head I think you'd keep running mindlessly.'  
  
I snorted, 'Damn straight I would. I was aiming for the balls.'  
  
'So why am I running in the same direction as you again?' Katsu whimpered.  
  
'You threw a chair at him?' I countered.  
  
'Right. Good point.'  
  
'You think Missy will be mad that we hit her cousin?'  
  
'That's why we aren't going to tell her, right? And you just thought of that!' Katsu stumbled. Despite those long legs he really was a weakling. That's what happens when you lock yourself up in a dark room for days painting and scribbling."  
  
Sano paused to collect his thoughts a moment, "Now, this next part might freak you guys out a little…"  
  
"Just tell us. We're not babies."  
  
"Neither was I." Sano muttered under his breath. Rather than open himself up for criticism from a bunch of snot-nosed kids he continued, "Kenshin was probably my best buddy beside Katsu. He married this girl name Kaoru, but I called her Missy. No, before you ask, that's not why my dog is named Missy now.  
  
Katsu and I approached the house silently only to see a red head kid playing with himself in the front yard. The brat was about six or was it eight? Spoilt rotten if you ask me.  
  
'Hey Kid. Is your daddy home?'  
  
'Who cares?' The kid replied narrowing his blue eyes.  
  
'That's not very nice.' I chide. Now, procreation has never been high on my list of things to do. I mean the process is fine and dandy, but the result sucks.  
  
'Who are you again?'  
  
Little shit. But I couldn't punch his lights out. Not when he was such a momma's boy. And Missy was mean. Really mean. There was this one time… but that's a whole different story.  
  
'Listen brat. I have a bomb with your name on it. Well, if I could remember what your name is.' Katsu threatened ineffectually.  
  
'You don't scare me.' The kid sneered making my fists itch. That's right, they itch when I feel the need to pummel someone. There's nothing like flesh against flesh to clear that rash right up.  
  
'He wouldn't hurt a kid, but we could string you up the flag pole atop the clinic.'  
  
'No, no.' Katsu said shaking his head gravely, 'Remember the last time we did that? The pants ripped. And my wasn't that messy?'  
  
Kenji's blue eyes went wide at the implication. Actually, now that I think about it, cleaning up puke because the kid was scared of heights was rather messy.  
  
'Go ahead around back and see him then. He's acting weird.'  
  
'He's always strange.' I shrugged.  
  
'More than usual.' The child replied making no move to accompany us.  
  
'Like that's possible?' I snort. Forgive me for being skeptically, but if the guy were still alive you'd understand."  
  
"So he's dead?"  
  
"Deader than a flattened possum caught on a railroad track." Sano said moodily. How he died was sucky. The fact that Sanosuke never thought he'd live past the age of twenty-five yet outlived his friend was the real kicker.  
  
"You don't want to hear about that right now. It's too sappy. Ask one of the chicks.  
  
We went around back to see Kenshin armed with a rifle. A big rifle that promised serious harm to a bear. And he was picking off cute little chipmunks with it.  
  
'Die you good for nothing bastards. Eat lead Hiko-impersonator. I should torch your home too.'  
  
Okay, this was new. Kenshin never touched guns if he didn't have to. Old war wound type shit. Made him turn into a shivering ball of whine.  
  
'Kenshin buddy?'  
  
'Oh, Sano! I was just… um, that I was.' Uh-huh. I wasn't buying that. Some alien had abducted Kenshin and replaced him with an animated doll. That was the only answer.  
  
'You didn't say what you were doing.' Katsu pointed out logically and Kenshin swung around with the gun muzzle pointing at us.  
  
'Can we stick around here for a bit?' I squeaked in a manly manner.  
  
He half turned and blew a cute little Dale into bits.  
  
'What for Sano?'  
  
'Saitoh's a bit peeved.' Katsu replied easily enough. I guess he would considering his disturbed mental state. And the crazies connect. 'It wasn't our fault this time, really.'  
  
Then Kenshin spoke in a higher voice than the one he had before.  
  
'Battousai you let me out right now!' Wide violet eyes blinked then hardened into gold, 'I don't think so. I haven't killed Aoshi-chipmunk yet.'  
  
'They're not voodoo dolls you know! And it took me months to tame them so they'd eat out of my hand! You're abusing power.' Violet-eyes insisted.  
  
I looked at Katsu and he nodded sagely to my unasked question. Yes my little hellion listeners, my good friend was talking to himself. Or more precisely a fragment of himself named Battousai.  
  
Then Kenshin performed a little hop, skip, and dance saying in a high, child-like voice, 'I wanna play with Kenny's friends!'  
  
Gold-eyes, also known as Battousai, took control just long enough to scream bloody murder about the evils of children.  
  
I was really read to jump off the nearest cliff to get away. It was just down right disturbing.  
  
'Stay and play with me!' The kid insisted smiling broadly and blinking innocently, 'We can use Kenji's jacks.'  
  
Kenji appeared around the corner and gave a patronizing smile, 'I warned you. But mother says don't try to tell anything to stupid roosters.'  
  
'What's wrong with him?' Katsu asked just as I blurted, 'What's he on? I could use some of it right about now.'  
  
'He's been like this since I can remember. I think a horse kicked him in the head, but Mother says it was always like this.' Kenji shrugged, 'It doesn't happen very often and he never hurts anyone.'  
  
'Who are you now?'  
  
'I want to play!' Kenshin grinned demented.  
  
'The six year old one I guess. His name is Shinta. Or he's supposed to be six. I think he's mentally stunted.'  
  
I scratched my head remembering seeing Kenshin playing hopscotch with two little girls. Yep, that explains a lot.  
  
'You two must be hiding out again. There's food in the kitchen if you want it.' Kenji shrugged again. He was good at that it seemed. 'Mother's coming home soon though. She was making sure Tokio got off to Colorado Springs okay.'  
  
'Missy didn't cook the food, did she?' I gulped remembering the last disastrous time. The results were far from pretty, I can tell you that much. The bushes will never been the same.  
  
Kenji jerked a thumb at Kenshin who was happily scribbling doodles in the dust with a stick.  
  
'He did, but don't ask me which one.'  
  
'But it's still edible, right." Katsu said confidently.  
  
'Battousai's cooking is fairly decent. Not as good as Dad's, but it won't kill you. Not like Mother's. If Shinta cooked expect some mud and worms. Oh, and snails. He's partial to them.'  
  
Wow, sounds appetizing. But shit, I ate all that crap as a child. It wasn't going to kill me anyway. Being notoriously headstrong- I mean brave, I shoveled some of the stew into my mouth.  
  
Have you ever been burned by fire? In your mouth? That's what it felt like."  
  
Sano paused to massage his throat tenderly. Amazing how you carried the stupidest, most painful memories fresh in your mind. He could practically taste it even now.  
  
"'Hot?'  
  
I nodded furiously and reached for a bucket of water. An empty bucket. Crapper.  
  
'Thanks for testing it.' Devious little brat using me as a guinea pig! 'Battousai made it then. He likes those little peppers from Mexico.'  
  
'Hey, that's where my gunpowder comes from. I wonder if that's an ingredient.' Katsu mused making my eyes water with the thought. I'd seen the effects of his gunpowder. And that was why I was sure my tonsils were leveled.  
  
'So why are you hiding?'  
  
'Tried to kill the Wolf.'  
  
True to my nature I happily shoved another gulp of stew in my mouth. That hot stuff takes some getting used to, but it's damn good.  
  
'Nothing new.'  
  
'So did you?'  
  
'Kill him? Naw, then who would chase us and threaten to use our testicles as violin strings?' I said offhanded.  
  
'Would we be running if we had?'  
  
'Collecting a medal is more like it.' I chuckled then went white, 'In Hell. Shit, Tokio would get some serious vengeance.'  
  
'Don't forget the demon-spawn he calls Son.' Kenji mumbled. He and the older boy didn't get along so well. Actually, they'd really tried to kill each other on numerous occasions. But what better to do to your cousin than that?  
  
'So would you kill Kenshin for me?'  
  
My eyes widened hoping it was a joke. But wait, this is Kenshin's kid. Humor must be learned because I don't think it's passed down. In that case, the poor child is screwed for life. He's doomed to be an Aoshi-miniature. The horror.  
  
'No more of Kaoru's cookies for you.' I growled.  
  
Just then Missy showed up. She swung off her horse and fixed Katsu and I with a hard stare. Now you've got to understand they lived in a shack. I mean kitchen, porch. Practically the same thing.  
  
'What did you two do this time?' She snarled. Uh-oh, some one was PMS-ing. Saitoh was looking safer. Even after the kick to the family jewels. His brand of death would be swift.  
  
'Kenji, what have I told you about letting those two on this property when I'm not here?'  
  
'Dad said they could stay.' Kenji remarked innocently.  
  
'He did, did he.' Eyes narrowing. Someone was in shit. And it wasn't me. Hooray!  
  
'Yes Mother. He even told them that you'd lend them some money so they can leave town until Saitoh cools off.' Kenji continued.  
  
'Hey, wa-.' Katsu elbowed me in the stomach. Hard. Bastard. His bony little elbow… Yeah. He was just trying to shut me up. It worked too.  
  
'Shut up a second. Hear the kid out before refuting his claims!'  
  
'Dad said we should be nice to our neighbors.' Kenji repeated dutifully keeping a straight face. 'And that they deserve some respect.'  
  
'That sounds like Kenshin.' She said sighing heavily and I tried to keep the smirk off my face, I really did. 'I guess we have to now if he said it. But when I get my hands on him-.'  
  
'Now Kaoru, we promise to pay you back. It will just be for a little while.' Katsu soothed and Kenji gave him a peeved look. The kid didn't like his plans messed with. Just like his mother. He just didn't understand that Katsu was making sure that fiery rage didn't backfired. He was always such a pansy about things like that. Caution, who needs it?  
  
'The tall man has come to play!' Shinta called out from the yard clapping his hands happily. I snatched some food and the money Kaoru had brought out with a thank you. Or not. No, probably something like, I'll be back for dinner so Kenshin better cook.  
  
Saitoh looked far from happy, or surprised at Kenshin's state, as he stalked forward. Kenji gave us a devilish grin. The whelp just was born to trouble! Honest.  
  
'Go out the back and take Soot.' Kenji suggested as Kaoru stomped out to retrieve her childish husband and confront her cousin. Probably to turn us in as well.  
  
'What the hell are you doing on my property!' Battousai challenged. His voice was dangerous and aggressive. A great contrast to Shinta's reedy voice or Kenshin's mellow one.  
  
'He came to play with me!' Shinta squealed in delight. I couldn't resist. Peaking around the corner I started howling with laughter. Kenshin was clinging to Saitoh's long leg like an overgrown child. Wait, he was an overgrown child.  
  
'Get off!' Saitoh snarled having spotted me. Admittedly, white clothing and a red bandanna are hardly good if you want to hide. He was dragging Kenshin/Shinta across the yard bound and determined.  
  
Suddenly Kenshin released the Wolf and jumped back into a cat-like crouch. Shit. Now was a good time to run. Never mind that I hated horses and Soot was a beast. Battousai had come out again and he looked very unhappy.  
  
'He wants to kill and eat you, you stupid child!'  
  
'No, he's just a big kitty-cat!' Shinta insisted stubbornly trying to glomp the man's leg again.  
  
'I'm a Wolf.' Saitoh protested backing up and trying to go around.  
  
'No, you're a kitten.' Battousai laughed, 'One who's declawed.'"  
  
"So you escaped?" One of the boys remarked skeptically. "That didn't seem too dangerous.  
  
Sano chuckled. The kid was just clueless. Absolutely. Of course, Saitoh had been old back then. Not old old, but old enough. Time catches everyone eventually. And just because Saitoh was kicking fifty when that happened didn't mean shit. Ah, Sano missed those times.  
  
A/N: And Drifter was nominated for the RKRC awards, but didn't get put up until... umm, a few days ago. Of course, nominating/seconding ends tomorrow -- but if anyone would like to hop over there and send a second to Mir, that would be wonderful! And if you don't know about them, here's a link to the page listing the nominations! ?page=current nominations. You do have to register to vote/nominate, but it's nothing too serious. Oh, and there are some EXCELLENT stories on there, go read some.  
  
MissBehavin: Okay, anything with Saitoh and children is scary! And Misao is an idiot, what else is there to say? starts laughing I think he wants Kamatari to stay as far away as the town will allow!  
  
Fyyrrose: Class is good, you should go. I hate when you KNOW it and get it wrong. Keener! :P Well, then you'll just have to wait :-" I'm not evil... two words: Sees Candy. Now THAT'S evil! You forgot Untamed too . But Curses! is almost finished and so is Strays and Untamed. HS -- it's not even half done and it's 200 pages already. And your choice in manga images is cruel! Of course, I was the one who gave it to you... -- damn.  
  
Wistful-Eyes: Brave, foolish, cocky? Oh wait, no, they're boys. But I'd be more worried about the mountain lions. Mmm, but I'm sure the town wouldn't mind a striped Saitoh racing through town with clothing strung out behind him. That's a funny image! Okay, I'm going to stop now. Sano? Plan? Those two words don't go very well together I'm afraid :) 


End file.
